Wrong Turn 2 : Dead End DVD cover

I’ve been a long time fan of Henry Rollins, so when I saw that he was starring in the horror sequel “Wrong Turn 2” I knew that no matter how bad the movie might possibly be, there was at least one thing I would like about it. I just hoped it wouldn’t be so disastrous as to damage Henry’s credibility, because after all, he spends a lot of time criticizing others for making stupid decisions. After watching the movie, I’m happy to say that I still have complete faith in Henry’s judgement and his assumed authority to ridicule the general population’s lack of intelligence remains unquestionably intact.

The original “Wrong Turn” was a moderate box-office success  that paved the way for possible attempts to recreate that success in the form of sequels. This situation is usually a crap shoot as a majority of said sequels end up as direct-to-DVD releases with less than stellar reviews. This fact may be a handicap that the sequel “Wrong Turn 2” had been saddled with from the get-go, because it didn’t receive much respect when it was being produced. As a result, and I believe no reflection on the actual movie itself, it skipped the box office and went straight to DVD and b-movie purgatory, the Syfy channel.

Henry Rollins, Aleksa Palladino and Erica Leerhsen standing by an "apocalyptic" helicopter prop

“Wrong Turn 2” was definitely not your typical half-assed b-movie sequel. This was immediately evident in the fact that director Joel Lynch made the decision to not take the subject matter of the movie too seriously. The plot of the movie revolves around six “Survivor”-type reality show contestants who, while trying to survive in the wilderness of West Virginia, accidentally cross paths with a large family of inbred, deformed, superhuman cannibal mutants. Added to this group is Henry Rollins who plays the host of the reality show, Retired Marine Colonel Dale Murphy, a character who could give R. Lee Ermey’s Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann a run for his money.

Daniella Alonso and Crystal Lowe looking bored in the WV wilderness

The first half of the movie mainly centers around getting to know the intentionally stereotypical contestants so that you actually care about whether they die or not, and in my opinion, this is the best part of the movie. The character’s personalities are displayed to the viewer in a rapid-fire manner with plenty of inside jokes and innuendos that keep the movie rolling at an entertaining pace that would engross even the most ADD-challenged viewer.

Faux "Ultimate Survivor: Apocalypse" set

The stereotypes represented here are the cold-hearted “gothy” tough girl, the shy but logical “good girl” producer turned unwilling contestant, the lesbian hard-ass Marine, the all-American jock good guy, the slut trying to make it big in Hollywood using her ‘assets’, and the only seriously annoying character – the ‘stuck on himself’, thinks-he’s-funny-but-he’s-not wanna-be skater boy. The verbal interplay between these characters is genius. It pokes fun at the stereotypes, as well as reality show contestants in general. In fact, the first 10 minutes or so of the movie centers on a character played by Kimberly Caldwell, a contestant on the 2nd season of American Idol, that actually pokes fun at herself and other reality show wanna-be Hollywood ‘stars’. I was actually impressed by her acting in her brief, but memorable opening sequence and her ability to poke fun at herself increased my respect for her tremendously.

Inbred Cannibalistic Redneck Mutant

As far as the inbred mutants go, their main purpose is to provide the massive amounts of gore that this movie throws at the audience. If you have a weak stomach, no matter how cheesy the special effects are, the loud squishing sounds with gallons of fake blood and guts may still be too much for you to handle. Creatively impossible mutilations abound as the rednecks delight at finding new ways to torture their victims before cooking them for the family dinner. The redneck mutants themselves are hideous, but not in a realistically terrifying way. In fact, they came across more like ‘Muppets gone wrong’ to me…their deformed features looking a little too plastic and synthetic to be truly terrifying.

Mutant with a "fresh" hairpiece about to filet Henry Rollins

The second half of the movie pretty much shows the reality show contestants realizing what is actually going on, and trying to escape the clutches of the Muppet rednecks. This part was a little tedious as the smart-ass interactions between the contestants in the first half, was replaced with close-ups of the rednecks chomping, chewing andcutting away at the human flesh they were dining on for basically the whole second half of the movie. The movie could have been equally entertaining throughout if they had meshed the first and secondhalves together a little bit better. The second half needed more of the humorous one-liners to prevent it from slipping into the typical b-movie hacker/slasher formula that gets a bit tedious when dragged out too long. It was a mish-mosh of continuous killing and maiming that eventually got confusing, focusing too much on the interactions of the mutants which didn’t actually make much sense to those of us who are not mentally challenged by exposure to toxic waste.

Henry about to cap some mutant ass

Of course, the best part of the whole movie was the performance by the highly esteemed badass Henry Rollins. Personally, I know that if I was lost in a wilderness full of inbred cannibal mutants, I’d want Henry there to protect my ass. Immediately at the beginning of the movie when Henry’s character narrates the opening to the reality show “Ultimate Survivor: Apocalypse”, you know he’s delivering his part with the same intensity as he would one of his “Spoken Word” performances.

Henry Rollins, "The man, the myth, the legend"

Henry has the best lines, and the most awesome fight scenes that I’ve seen in any horror b-movie. When Henry goes fist-to-cleft-lip with the inbred cannibals, it’s almost a ‘tongue-in-cheek’ homage to a virtual “redneck Matrix”.  And nothing can beat Henry getting shot with 2 arrows and then barking at the Old Man Mutant “Is that all you got, Bitch?” Unfortunately at that point, Henry gets killed by a razor-wire chain that one of the mutants throws around his throat. Henry doesn’t have the unfair advantage of superhuman regeneration powers from drinking toxic waste that the mutants do and he ultimately must succumb in the end.

Kimberly Caldwell's chance to show off her pearly whites

Two of the contestants escape with their lives, the bitchy tough girl and the empathetic jock, thinking they’ve killed all the mutants, but of course at the end there’s foreshadowing about a baby mutant and a caretaker that survived, leading up to the fact that there is a “Wrong Turn 3” being released on Oct. 20th. Personally, I think it would have been more satisfying to have Henry Rollin’s character as the lone survivor and then he could continue the franchise, giving it a much higher chance future success. Overall, “Wrong Turn 2” was a huge surprise and it was a shame that it was straight-to-DVD when much more ridiculous horror sequels have made it to the box office. I give it 4.5 out of 5 cheese wedges for being consistently entertaining and providing an intelligent level of cheesiness by knowingly poking fun at itself…sort of a constant wink in the direction of the viewer while simultaneously satisfying our horror fix with plenty of gore and cannibal mutants.

"Open Graves" poster

The only thing that narrowly saved “Open Graves” from being a complete disaster was the fact that is was filmed in Spain by a foreign director. It’s long been a mystery to me as to why even “bad” foreign horror movies can still be scary, while the “bad” American horror movies end up just being stupid, almost farcical. I think one of the reasons for this is due to differing approaches to the use of cinematography. In foreign horror films, we often see the grainy auras, the fast blur-like movements, the feeling that what we’re watching is somewhat hazy, like a bad nightmare, giving the movie that element of “spookiness” even when the storyline is badly written. “Open Graves” starring Eliza Dushku  certainly imparts that “spooky” aura but it’s still not quite enough to make you forget that the plot that’s evolving throughout is pretty darn ridiculous.

Eliza Dushku as "Erica" and Mike Vogel as "Jason"

Eliza Dushku is an adequate actress but I don’t think that her “American surfer girl” persona really fit in with this movie. Besides her love interest Jason, played by Mike Vogel, the rest of the cast are either Spanish or European actors that are not recognizable in the US. The fact that these actors are from the area from where the mythical game board originates, adds some validity to the eerie-ness of the movie. Erica (Eliza Dushku ) and Jason however, stand out like sore thumbs…two “white bread” American surf kids surrounded by a group of passionate, mysterious Latin friends who were raised within the culture that created the legend of the cursed game.

Eliza Dushku (in a bikini) as "Erica" and Jose Casasús as "Novio"

It seems comical that Jason would be the one responsible for unleashing the curse of “Mamba” and that he and Erica would be the ones that take initiative to try and thwart the curse when they wouldn’t even be familiar with the creatures referenced in the game.  It would have been somewhat more believable if one of their Latin friends wised up rather than being presented as mindless partygoers only interested in alcohol and sex 24/7. Wouldn’t one of them have heard of the legend of the “Mamba” game at some point in their lives, growing up in Spain, and been able to take the reins of controlling the quickly spreading effects of its curse? Of course not, that would make too much sense. We need the aimless American surfer kids to be the smart ones regarding an ancient cursed board game especially since they’re in a foreign country where everyone routinely speaks English. (Huh?)

Eliza Dushku (again, in a bikini) during "Baywatch musical interlude"

“Open Graves” was oddly interspersed with bizarre “musical interludes” that made me think someone was paying homage to Europe’s strange obsession with “Baywatch” . There were these seemingly random moments where the camera focused on Eliza Dushku getting ready to surf with the sun shining through her hair and some cheesy rock ballad playing in the background. There scenes were definitely not needed and definitely distracted from the minimal “spooky” aura that the movie was attempting to achieve unsuccessfully.

"Mamba" game board

The concept of a “cursed” board game has potential as a focus for a good horror movie, and it has been done before, but it seems like common sense that the associated “game board” should be suitably scary in and of itself. In “Open Graves”, the “ancient” game board was supposed to have been fabricated centuries ago, out of the skin and bones of an executed witch. However, the game in the movie looked immaculate enough where it could have been just produced by Parker Brothers. The writing on the cards and “board” were very intricate, and as we learn later, were supposed to have been written with the blood of the executed witch. Considering that Erica and Jason learned how to play the game pretty quick without having an ancient voodoo priestess or the like, explain it to them, I guess there also must have been some “blood-written” instruction booklet included with the game that we never saw on screen. Those 17^th century religious fanatics were definitely ahead of their time!

Eliza Dushku pouting in cemetery

The premise of the game was that as the players moved around the spaces on the board, they could land on a space that instructed them to pick a card, and that card  would reveal if they were to live (play on) or die (be out of the game). The cards of “death” were inscribed with complex quatrains interspersed with Latin that described how the person was to die. As the player read these poems out loud, I had no idea what they were talking about. Subsequently I did not feel any “impending doom” awaiting their death because I really had no clue as to what their “warning” was. I felt the tension increase among the characters as they read their fate on the card, but I had no idea what it was predicting until after they died and someone explained exactly how the card “foresaw” the specific method of death they had succumbed to.

Eliza Dushku trying to look European

In general, the special effects were acceptable. They weren’t near as cheesy as your typical American-made Syfy movie fare. The explosions looked real, which leads me to believe that the laws regarding creating random explosions in public in Europe are a bit more lax than they are here. Also some good creepy make-up jobs, ranging from a guy who had his eyes clawed out by some crabs to a girl who ages to her death virtually overnight and explodes in a fountain of blood when docs try to do CPR on her. Even the “Mamba” game itself (a reference to the “Black Mamba” snake, which was one of the few extremely cheesy looking effects in the movie) was crafted superbly, looking like an artisan piece with some great calligraphy and miniature sculptures, despite the fact that it looked like it was made in this decade and not during the Spanish Inquisition.

Don't put these in your mouth

This brings me to another point that greatly disturbed me – Did anyone else not notice how often the characters placed the game pieces and cards up to their mouths or noses while they were playing the game? Seriously, even if they didn’t know it was supposedly made out of a witch’s skin and blood, they did get it from some creepy no-legged dude who ran a run-down, dark, dirty voodoo shop. I don’t know if I’d have even been touching those game pieces without wearing rubber gloves

"Open Graves" Spanish ad

The concept for “Open Graves” had potential, but unfortunately the movie couldn’t decide if it wanted to be about an ancient foreign curse or a musical tribute to Eliza Dushku’s bikini bod.  If it had stuck to being a movie about a centuries-old, cursed board game discovered by Europeans familiar with its legend, the storyline could have been developed much more effectively. Instead, the unfolding of the story was very disjointed, almost as if the storyline was continually interrupted to explain the presence of the American surf-kids, most notably Eliza Dushku in a bikini. The only thing really scary about this movie was basically the special effects, so I’m giving “Open Graves” 2 cheese wedges for taking itself too seriously to be entertainingly cheesy while at the same time, not taking its storyline seriously enough.

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"Lightning Strikes" starring Kevin Sorbo

Ok, well maybe he can’t control actual lightning, but there’s a good chance he  could make you believe that he could since he played Hercules on TV for about 7 seasons. I’ve been a fan of Kevin Sorbo ever since “Hercules”and the science-fiction show “Andromeda” were on the air, so I was looking forward to seeing him in the new SyFy movie entitled, “Lightning Strikes”.  The movie trailers were a little “sketchy”, describing a “demon in the lightning” that was attacking people in a rural town where Kevin Sorbo plays the sheriff. I was interested to see if this far-fetched storyline could be kept in the “somewhat believable” realm with Kevin Sorbo at the reins.

Lightning Strike

Immediately in one of the opening scenes we are presented with a scene so unbelievable, that if it were done badly, would have definitely made me give up on the rest of the movie and change the channel.  We see a mother and her son driving down a highway, eventually being “chased” by a bolt of the “super lightning”. They try to outrun it, but when they can’t (lightning is very fast you know), their car is cut cleanly in two as the monstrous bolt of lightning slices right through it.  Being that this was a “b-movie” of sorts, this scene could have easily been extremely cheesy. But, instead of groaning at a lame attempt to make this scene appear believable, I was pleasantly surprised by my friend shouting, “Dude, that was awesome!”

Mom and son running in "Lightning Strikes"

In fact, I was pleasantly surprised throughout the movie in general.  I felt the special effects surpassed my expectations for a typical movie on the Syfy channel. The lightning was fairly realistic, meaning it didn’t look like shots of lightning from another movie that were spliced in. The scenes where the actors interacted with the lightning weren’t horribly fake-looking either. The only complaint I would have is the appearance of the demon/alien inside the lightning. It looked more like an actor in an alien costume that filmed the scene alone in front of a blue screen and as a result, its movements didn’t exactly correlate with whatever it was supposed to be interacting with in the movie.

Kevin Sorbo and SyFy

The acting was definitely “above par”. I was quickly reminded that no matter how bad or “cheesy” a movie is, an actor with veteran acting abilities, such as Kevin Sorbo, can automatically kick it up a notch. It was evident that Kevin was not simply reading his lines, as we see actors doing in a lot of SyFy b-movies. Instead he delivered his lines with a purpose, actually creating a Sheriff that the viewer can identify with and care about, no matter how unbelievable the situation and characters around him were.

Kevin did an excellent job of “grounding” the movie when he was in scenes with “over-the-top” characters, most notably, Todd Jensen as Mayor Fordice, who was portrayed as a highly annoying cross between Max Headroom and Matthew Lesko. I know this dude was meant to be annoying, but he was a one-dimensional caricature and extremely hard to take seriously. It was equally hard to believe that a guy wearing melon and salmon colored business clothes with bleached blonde hair, could ever be elected mayor in a small blue-collar town such as the one portrayed in the movie. The guy was more likely to get his butt kicked outside the bar at closing time and run out of town permanently.

David Schofield plays "Donovan"

The main storyline was simple and a bit dragged out, but overall, it kept my interest, which is not an easy thing to do over the course of 2 hours. The plot centered around the demon that lived in a very intense lightning storm, which actually contained an alternate plane of existence. People could only see and interact with the demon/alien if they were being struck by the lightning, and thus inside of it.  The “lightning demon” had a knack for taking the lives of children, but letting their parents live, leaving the parents immune to further lightning strikes. This sets up the two characters that are out to seek revenge, the  “preacher/adventurer/father” Donovan (David Schofield), and the mom that was driving the car in the beginning of the movie, Nancy (Annabel Wright),  who awakens from a coma to find out that her son was killed after their car was split in two by the super bolt of lightning.

Annabel Wright plays "Nancy"

Thrown into the whole mix is a group of University “storm chasers”, a professor and 2 students, who serve as the scientific “foil” to Donovan’s proclamations of the mythological history of the “lightning demon”. I found the play of these opposing viewpoints very interesting and actually educational, as I learned some interesting true facts about lightning, as well as the mythological stories that illustrated how ancient cultures explained its existence. Other than that though, the “storm chasers” didn’t really have a pivotal role in the plot of the movie.

Double lightning strike

Overall, “Lightning Strikes” exceeded my expectations. It has pretty decent special effects and the quality of the movie was carried mostly by Kevin Sorbo’s acting talent. The storyline was simple and drawn out, but not overly predictable. It was cheesy, but not “groan-worthy”, so I’m giving it 4 cheese wedges for “high cheesiness” combined with “high quality”, which ends up equaling a pretty decent Syfy movie.

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

As I sat down to watch “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus”, I was extremely stoked to be watching yet another “so bad it’s good” SyFy Channel movie. To be clear, I was fully aware, that I was not sitting down to watch a movie of the same caliber as “Jaws”, or even “Jaws 2”, for that matter.

I consider SyFy movies to be in a sort of “pseudo-movie” genre, that is, a movie so cheesy, that even the actors seem to play along  by overacting or revealing a telltale smirk now and then, and that is what makes these movies so enjoyable. That being said, it’s also entirely possible for the movie makers to miss the mark and take the cheesiness a little too far.  This results in a truly horrible movie that is neither entertaining, nor tolerable for longer than 5 minutes of viewing. “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” ended up walking a very thin line, slightly teetering into the “unwatchable” category while also keeping me entertained enough that I didn’t feel a need to summon up the energy to change the channel.

 As far as the movie’s plot, the title is pretty much self-explanatory. A prehistoric “mega shark” and “giant octopus” are accidentally unfrozen from a giant ice block near Alaska and they start terrorizing the world (as most giant prehistoric creatures do). Now, this sounds like it has all the makings of a great “monster battle” movie, along the lines of Godzilla vs Mothra. Ironically though, the scenes where we see these monsters actually trying to destroy something (or each other), are extremely scarce, and unfortunately they are also some of the worst quality scenes in the movie as far as special effects go.

Helicopter exploding on impact with giant tentacle

The destruction scenes involving the shark and octopus had great potential but look like they were slapped together in an hour on an outdated version of Photoshop. Seriously, if orchestrated correctly, a giant shark  leaping out of the water to grab a 747 out of the sky could be pure genius! With a little more time and talent spent on CGI, this outrageous scene could have crossed the line from completely ridiculous to freaking awesome! Unfortunately, that scene ended up looking like a blurry photo of a shark superimposed on stock footage of a plane that was flipped back and forth to simulate movement along with some random flames dropped in via computer. Explosions in the movie were just as bad…every vehicle was “hyper-explosive” as seen when one swipe of a Giant Octopus tentacle  makes a helicopter explode instantly in a fiery ball like it was full of rigged dynamite. Evidently there was a special on fireworks that ended up fitting the budget better than a few talented CGI artists.

Debbie, aka "Deborah", Gibson

The movie spends extremely too much time focused on dragged out discussions between Deborah Gibson, as the oceanologist  Emma MacNeal, and the same few characters, namely her ex-professor, an Asian scientist and Lorenzo Lamas cast as a “random head of some unnamed government department”. I know, you’re thinking what I was when I first saw ads for the movie…Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas? Seriously? They’re not even “SyFy” movie regulars!…and Debbie Gibson is a singer for God’s sake! When I sat down to watch the movie however, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Ms. Gibson actually has real acting talent. She was so relaxed and natural in her role that I could have sworn she’d been in at least 10 other “Made for SyFy” movies before this one. I would even go so far as to say she was the best actor in this whole movie.  Seriously, someone needs to get her a role on “Eureka” or something.

Lorenzo Lamas stuck in the early 90's

Lorenzo Lamas, on the other hand – completely nauseating. Dude STILL has his hair greased back and in a pony tail and is STILL wearing a tight black shirt and black pants, making him look like a sleazy guy stuck in the early 90’s hanging at the club to hit on 21-year-olds. His acting in this movie was so lifeless, even some attempt at overacting would have been more tolerable. It was like he was there to recite random lines off a script with the sole purpose of attempting to seduce Debbie Gibson with his cheesy cologne-reeking smile.

Pic of "Bobby Sixkiller" from the early 90's with Lorenzo who has the same cheesy hairstyle as in the movie!

I don’t know if I watched too many episodes of “Renegade” in the early 90’s but I seriously think Lorenzo Lamas just can’t appear tough without “Bobby SixKiller” (Branscombe Richmond) at his side. It’s like he’s half a man without his trusty Indian sidekick. They could have easily added a whole new dimension to the movie by writing in his character with some “Native American Mega Shark legend” subplot that explained the mystical background of the creatures. That would have been the greatest “Renegade” reunion ever! Sadly however,  the biggest contribution Lorenzo Lamas made to this movie was his referral to the giant shark as “Sharkzilla”…which is actually a truly classic moment in the film.

Mega Shark "biting" the apparently tasty Golden Gate Bridge

Overall, “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” merits 3 out of  5 wedges on the “cheese scale”. To attain a more respectable level of “cheese-dom” there should have been an attempt to make the “unreal” special effects appear more real, no matter how ridiculous they were. We know a giant prehistoric shark is not going to bite the Golden Gate bridge in half, but wouldn’t it be cool to see what it would look like (realistically) if it did? And they could have really recast Lorenzo Lamas with more of a SyFy movie stand-by like Lou Diamond Phillips. He actually seems to care more about his role than whether or not his ponytail has enough gel in it. Debbie Gibson is what carried the movie. She showed that she has real acting talent, even in a cheesy SyFy movie, which even for the most seasoned actors is not a feat to easily accomplish.

Why? Why do I feel compelled to deprive my brain of fulfilling, quality entertainment? Could it be that the “SciFi” channel has found a way (being true to its name) to broadcast endorphin-releasing waves during its movies, thus keeping us from changing the channel and making us compulsively return for more? Even more puzzling is the huge number of relatively “big-name” actors who take parts in these “low-budget” theatrical travesties…Can it be that the SciFi channel is indeed controlled by some endorphin-releasing alien overlord (much like a past Doctor Who episode) who seeks to enslave mankind and make us look ridiculous at the same time because of our taste in movies?
Personally, I have another possible theory, which places the root cause of our obsession with crappy SciFi movies in the fact that “Mystery Science Theater 3000″ is no longer on the air. As described on Wikipedia, “The series features a man and his robot sidekicks who are trapped on a satellite in space by an evil scientist and forced to watch a selection of bad movies, especially (but not initially limited to) science fiction B-movies. To keep sane, the man and his robots provide a running commentary on each film, making fun of its flaws and wisecracking (or “riffing”) their way through each reel in the style of a movie-theater peanut gallery.” I believe that since we can no longer be made to feel superior to bad movie makers through the MST3K character’s wisecracks, we might feel the need to do it ourselves in a society where we have constant entertainment available at our fingertips.

It’s almost an oxymoron of a personality flaw. We crave infinite varieties of entertainment of some sort, be it video games, movies, music, etc. and in order to avoid feeling the resultant powerlessness that comes with being so “needy”, we become addicted to shows that we in turn can ridicule WHILE we are being entertained…a sort of pseudo-control that we create in our minds saying to ourselves, “Yes, I am watching a really bad SciFi movie and I should be mowing the lawn, but it feels so awesome to know that I am so much smarter than someone that actually gets paid to make a movie! I will point out all the flaws, misspellings and bad acting and thus prove myself superior to the people who created this “entertainment” that is consuming 2 hours of my life, thus validating my need to actually watch it instead of doing something more productive!” It’s really a never-ending circle, like the snake eating its own tail. We love “junk food” entertainment and love it even more when we can find some way to validate our wasting our time on it.

Whether the curious appeal of crappy SciFi movies is due to an alien overlord seeking to control us through our need for “junk food” entertainment or due to our own need to be able to ridicule the moviemakers that we secretly admire because they get to create such entertainment, I have to admit I am addicted and have no desire to be cured of this addiction. So, in my own effort to attempt to validate my own addiction within myself, I plan to offer occasional blog posts on here, and possibly jewelry or art, dedicated to specific SciFi/Chiller movies that make me feel especially superior (i.e., ones where the acting/plot/graphics/etc are so bad they deserve a particular mention). After all, everyone’s a critic right? I’m just fulfilling my role in society, paying homage to Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot and the rest of the MST3K crew, and trying to hold off the alien overlord invasion by not resisting their attempts to keep us glued to our TV’s watching bad SciFi movies.